Tom’s birthday and other stuff

This week was Tom’s birthday.  I remember the first birthday we celebrated without him – he’d been gone just barely two weeks.  I was still in a state of shock.  We had dinner with family and brought along a lemon cake that Tom had a fondness for.  Last year, grateful to have one of Tom’s signature recipes, I invited all my local family and made rice and beans to celebrate.  The food tasted exactly like I remembered.  It felt like the perfect tribute.  Afterwards I was violently ill and worried that somehow I had given everyone food poisoning!! But I realize now it was probably some sort of emotional reaction.  This year I finally feel like I am emerging from a dark place after an emotionally difficult summer.  I didn’t want to somehow disrupt the fragile peace and happiness I am feeling and didn’t plan any kind of celebration.  But as the day arrived, it felt like we should do something.  Driving home from school with Haley, I asked what she wanted to do.  She suggested getting balloons to release.  I suggested we get a key lime pie which was a favorite of Tom’s. On the way home I remembered that there were still a couple of filets in the freezer and thought I could fire up the grill and give cooking steaks another try.  Summer grilling was a standard in our home and steak was certainly Tom’s favorite food to grill!!  So we put together an impromptu birthday dinner and it felt perfect.  After we ate and wrote our birthday messages, we walked out our backyard and into the park and let the balloons go and remembered how much we love Tom.

Yesterday I decided it was time to clean out Andrew’s room.  When he left last fall I just closed the door so I didn’t have to look at the holes in the walls and the mess.  When my sister came to stay (when was that??) I did have to go in and clean and change sheets and vacuum so her kids could stay in the room, but afterwards I closed it back up.  This summer we have all realized that Andrew is probably not going to come back home to live.  His goal now is to start preparing to transition to independent living (though not until he ages out of the program he is currently in).  Although I’m relieved because Andrew not living at home has been SO much better for Haley (and me), it has also been a little heartbreaking.  Tom and I spent ten LONG years doing everything we could think of (and learned about) to help Andrew develop emotionally healthy bonds to our family.  We love him and were consistent and reliable and got him appropriate professional help and supported him with his challenges… And he is living in a very restrictive environment where he is making very little progress and he doesn’t want to come home to live – just to visit. All of which tells me that living in a place where he doesn’t have to deal with emotional attachment is somehow easier for him than trying to live with the give and take of family ties.  That is hard to accept.  The most important things in my life are precisely those emotional ties to family and friends – those are the things that give my life meaning and happiness.  I feel like he is rejecting the very things that will fill up that chasm he has been trying to fill his whole life.  But at least right now he is unwilling to believe that.

Anyway, I went in yesterday and bagged up all the clothes that he’s grown out of and set aside the few things that he could still use to be sent to him.  I put away in his keepsakes bin the few things he had hung on his wall (and found a few more things he had stolen and secreted away). The bed is pretty thrashed, so I think I’ll replace it with another one we can use for guests … But next up is repairing all the holes in the walls and repainting the room – and maybe think more seriously about replacing the carpeting in the house – his room is particularly terrible.  Haley and I made a run to Goodwill so everything is already gone.  It’s crazy how much better I feel now when I think about that room.

18. September 2016 by tjsjohanna
Categories: Family, Uncategorized | Tags: , , | 3 comments

(Almost) Four Months

Wow – I’ve been absent here almost long enough to just abandon the whole thing…

What happened from April to now?  Well…  here’s a list:

  • Haley finished her first year of high school – Yay!!  And her grades were significantly better than her last year of middle school or even her first semester as a freshman.  I’m really proud of her.
  • We (meaning my kids, my parents, and I) got to visit with Andrew for the first time since he enrolled at Storm Ridge Ranch.  He got to have an off-site visit, so we picked him up the Wednesday after Haley finished school and he spent Wed, Thurs, and Fri with us at my parents home.  There were some encouraging improvements, but he still has a long way to go.  After that visit he had a couple of altercations with other boys at the school, as well as stealing, so he’s back to no visits again.  We had hoped to see him one more time before school started, but unfortunately Andrew’s choices made that impossible.
  • Haley went to our annual church Girl’s Camp in June.  This year was her fourth year and girls in that group do a couple of days of backpacking – they hiked 13 miles one day (although I don’t think it was planned to be quite that long!).  She and her cousin shared a pup tent and Haley says the 4th year hiking days were the best part of the week-long camp.  After their backpacking, the girls joined the rest of camp, which was held at the YMCA of the Rockies this year – which meant they slept in a lodge.  At least they didn’t get rained out this year!
  • My parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this year.  We’ve been talking about this year for a long time … at least four or five years.  Originally we thought it would be fun to celebrate by going on a cruise as a family (my parents and my siblings – no kids).  After much discussion, we settled on an all-inclusive resort instead (owing to family members who have terrible motion-sickness and/or very much dislike water!).  So, the second week of June we all flew out of Denver to Puerta Vallarta.  I had to get a passport and everything! (actually, it is kind of nice to have a valid one again – I am already thinking of places I’d like to go)  We spent a full week hanging out on the beach, eating yummy food, drinking (virgin) drinks (the wait staff started making jokes about it after a couple of days of us all stipulating “sin alcohol”  all the time!), and just generally enjoying each other.  I’m very happy to report that there were no fights and we all like each other as much as ever – which is a big deal when there are eleven different personalities to consider.13403285_10154255879048615_5279429791721773306_o
  • Haley and I took a pottery class in July and learned to throw pots on a pottery wheel – I liked this so much that I’m taking another class this month too – it’s nice to feel creative in a new way.  And it’s really fun to get my hands all dirty!!

So that was the summer.  And yes, it is over, because Haley is back in school.  Things I didn’t do this summer …  I didn’t get on top of my yard.  Despite many hours of weeding, it is still a jungle out there.  I only planted a couple of pots this year – none in the back yard at all – and my drip lines are not working well, so they haven’t done as well as they could have.  I didn’t do any diy projects – heck, I hardly did any housework.  The paint chips are still stuck to my walls from my abortive plans to repaint my main floor.  There’s that pesky matter of the super high vaulted ceilings that I’m pretty sure my fear of heights won’t let me tackle – which means I have to actually make a call to find a person to paint those walls – which means I am still procrastinating.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this summer – I’ve always loved summer.  When I was young it represented freedom … no school! time at the beach! sleeping in!   Even as an adult, this feeling has lingered.  Summer means not having cold feet, and enjoying long summer evenings where it is still light at 9pm, and hamburgers cooked on the grill, and flowers, and green trees.  Except – the last few summers those feelings of euphoria have been elusive.  The summer Tom died was full of the stress of dealing with Andrew’s theft and the consequences we imposed and then Tom’s heart surgery.  I can remember being grateful when school started – I was ready for that terrible summer to be over.  Unfortunately that hope that things would get better wasn’t realized.  Last summer my parents took Andrew for six weeks, and that part was really nice.  But I was still in my first year of mourning Tom’s death and there was that looming anniversary.  I felt like summer was just a waiting game to get to September 1st.

This year I don’t really have any excuses … but my heart hasn’t been in it this summer.  I hate to think that I’ve lost my love for the season, but I’m beginning to wonder.  How many good summers will it take to outweigh the trauma of one bad?  Not sure about that, but part of me is rather glad to be back on schedule – seminary starts on Monday, so I’ll be up early and busy preparing lessons each afternoon (though I have a partner this year, so only half the lessons this time around!).  I’ve already seen the eye doctor, the dentist, and made appointments to have the safety recalls fixed in my cars – I  feel so industrious!!  Anyway, here’s hoping next summer will be a more joyful one.

12. August 2016 by tjsjohanna
Categories: Family, Trips | Tags: , , , | 6 comments

Harry Potter and a Mormon

Haley and I recently had a mini Harry Potter movie marathon (just the last four movies).  As always, it was great to be back in that world and made me think about re-reading the series again.  One thing that has stuck with me over the last week or so is how important the theme of trust is, particularly in the books.

Harry is mentored by Dumbledore and of all the adults in Harry’s life, he is the one person Harry is most likely to trust (though generally speaking he doesn’t really trust any adults, since they are always letting him down).  When a number of the characters doubt that Snape is really on the side of good, Lupin explains that he trusts Dumbledore, so he trusts Snape despite all appearances to the contrary.  Later it seems that trust was misplaced – Snape kills Dumbledore which makes everyone feel justified in their doubts.  As Harry, Ron, and Hermione set out on the horcrux hunt, Harry is faced over and over again with evidences that he didn’t know Dumbledore – that he shouldn’t have trusted Dumbledore, that Dumbledore was just using him.  In the end, Harry has to make a choice.  He chooses to trust Dumbledore, even when it means that Harry must sacrifice himself.

It is only after Harry acts – willingly goes to his own death – that everything is revealed.  Snape was really on the side of right and Harry was not a sacrificial lamb – though Dumbledore was only guessing, his guess was a good one and Harry lives to fight another day.  Harry’s trust – and everyone else who trusted that Dumbledore could rid the world of Voldemort – was not misplaced.  Though things seemed bleak, though Dumbledore seemed duped, or crazy, or hypocritical, or scheming – in the end he did what they all hoped he could do.

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I belong to a church led by living prophets of God.  In this world, that is not a popular thing in which to believe.  People seriously doubt the existence of God and certainly if He exists, He isn’t anything like what the Bible teaches.  As for prophets that speak for God – that really is requiring too much faith in a mere mortal.  I have had spiritual experiences that have helped me to know that God is real.  I have studied the Bible and modern scripture and that has also served to strengthen that belief and knowledge of God.  I have even had experiences where I have heard the words of our modern prophet and apostles where the Spirit testified that they were speaking for God, and I can see clearly that this is the pattern God uses throughout scripture.

But … there are many times when the things preached by the prophet and apostles go directly in the face of popular culture and accepted wisdom.  There are things that are hard to understand, that seem too harsh, that are uncomfortable to accept and practice.  There are things that don’t make any sense (and this is nothing new – consider God’s commandment to sacrifice Isaac or to put blood on the doorposts of the houses).

So … I find myself feeling a little like Harry.  Where am I going to put my trust?  Will I believe even when it doesn’t make sense, even when it might mean the sacrifice of my feelings, my cherished habits, my likes and dislikes, my life even?  In the end I do choose to trust.  I do choose to follow, even when it is difficult.  I trust that God loves all His children and He knows what He is doing.  It isn’t easy – especially in the face of loud voices who tell me I’m wrong, I’m mean, I’m deluded, I’m foolish.  But I have hope that in the end I will see, just like Harry did, that my trust wasn’t misplaced.

25. April 2016 by tjsjohanna
Categories: Blog | Tags: , , , | 1 comment

Being Seen

Here’s something that I miss since Tom has been gone … There’s no one that knows me and who sees me in that uniquely intimate way that spouses have.  When I get dressed up, there’s no one to say, “wow, you look great today!” or if I’ve done something around the house, he’s not there to say, “great job on the slip covers”.  There’s no one to notice when I fix something or do something hard or that I’m having a low day.  It’s weird and makes me feel solitary in a way that has nothing to do with having friends or family around.  It’s one of the perks of being married that I enjoyed – both the being seen and the seeing.  I know there were days when my encouragement and appreciation made Tom feel like what he did mattered even when he had had a bad day.  I have a lot more admiration for my single friends now – I didn’t realize how much that connection meant to me until I’ve had to do without it.  

I also miss being able to check in with him – “was that mean? Am I being unreasonable? Is my understanding of this realistic?” Now I just have to figure it out in my own because he’s not around to give me a reality check! I find myself trying to rely on God more – taking my concerns to Him, trying to listen more to impressions.  It’s been a positive development in this new life I’m living, though I feel chagrined that I didn’t do it more when Tom was alive.  It does remind me a little of my experience as missionary.  Because I left a lot of my personal concerns and preferences behind for 18 months, I was more connected to Heavenly Father.  Now that I’m not investing all that emotional energy in my relationship with my spouse, there’s room to put more into my relationship with God.  I wouldn’t have chosen this, but I trust that He knows how this whole experience can be put to my best benefit if I can just stay open and teachable.  It’s not easy though.  Some days I just want to be a spoiled child and throw a tantrum about the fact that I have to keep living this life without my best friend!!  

20. April 2016 by tjsjohanna
Categories: Blog | Tags: , , | 2 comments

Update

Chairs are done!  Thanks to my mom who helped me fix a major mistake and then sewed my pillow covers together. I did finish the seat cushion covers and I’m not giving you a close up!

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The room is coming together. Now to sew throw pillows…. Three years later!

Our other update… At least one egg has hatched.  There’s a tiny bit of fluff with a big mouth in the nest.

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13. April 2016 by tjsjohanna
Categories: Family, Home Improvement | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

A new tenant

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I have this lovely wreath on my door that makes me think of spring. This year it is really making me think of spring. Does it look a little bulky on top? It should. It’s hiding a nest!

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And inside that nest… Eggs!

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These are real bird-laid eggs, not some clever decoration from the local craft store.  Our front door has a handy window right above the nest where we can get a little peek at eggs and mommy – though the bird is pretty skittish and I finally taped a piece of paper over the window so she wouldn’t take off every time we walked past the door.

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This is the best picture I could get of her without scaring her off. But we’ve seen her up close through our front window when she has perched on our hanging baskets. I finally found a picture online – she’s a House Finch.

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Isn’t she pretty? Big problem though. We can’t use our front door! Not sure how to handle people coming to the door…

07. April 2016 by tjsjohanna
Categories: Blog | Tags: , , | 2 comments

A little DIY – how novel!

It’s been awhile since I posted any DIY stuff – mostly because I haven’t been doing any.  I feel lucky to keep the laundry going and feed Haley and myself, since mostly I just want to lay on my bed and read!  But I recently made a somewhat snap decision to give Spencer and Kayla one of my couches which then meant I had to start looking for some replacement furniture.

When our family moved into our most recent home, we went from one small living space to two large ones.  We had some hand-me-down furniture, none of which really fit our style or lifestyle.  Since we had a little cash from the sale of our first home, we finally (after 10 years of marriage) invested in some grownup furniture.  But we also had little kids who liked to build couch cushion forts.  So while we bought grown up furniture for our “living room”, I went the CraigsList route for the family room.  $400 later we had a nice big couch, love seat, chair, and ottoman.  It was a great deal – the upholstery was a rough, tan-ish dirty color perfect for hiding spills and crumbs; the pillows made great forts; and best of all I didn’t have to worry about the kids ruining it, since I hadn’t spent very much on it.

Fast forward to this fall – the love seat had developed a definite dip in the middle of the two seat cushions, the back cushions had been mushed out of shape so that they generally pushed the sitter off the couch, the chair was covered with cat fur that resisted cleaning, and the ottoman had been discarded after too many jumps had broken the frame.  It was time to replace – especially since I think I’m finally past the cushion fort stage.

I’ve wanted the bed-couch FRIHETEN from IKEA ever since I saw how cleverly it makes into a surprisingly comfortable queen size bed.  Haley and I went down to IKEA, measured and imagined, went home and measured again.  Then we went back and between the two of us (with a little help from some IKEA workers) loaded the giant boxes into our van, unloaded it into our house (sadly, without the help of the IKEA workers), and then put the thing together.  It was/is awesome!

Then came the question about what to put in there with it…  everything I looked at wasn’t quite right or was way out of my price range.  One night I was bemoaning my bad luck with my mom.  Together we started looking at websites (I say together – we were on the phone, each looking at our own computers – that counts as together, right??).  I found this great deal on club chairs at World Market Cost Plus.  I could get two chairs for less than the price of one chair (that I didn’t really like) at IKEA (which was the least expensive chair I had found in the style that I wanted).  The first catch?  The chair was sold without upholstery and required the purchase of a slipcover sold separately.  The second catch?  Since the chair was being discontinued, there were no slipcovers available for purchase.  Hmmm….  I talked it over with my mom – what did she think? Did the chair look like it would be difficult to cover?  It was a pretty rectangular chair.  Together we agreed that it was doable.  So I bought them.

I have actually made slipcovers and re-upholstered furniture before.  I made a very utilitarian slipcover from the cheapest fabric I could find for a hand-me-down love seat Tom and I had when we were first married.  It was VERY rectangular and was a matter of sewing straight seams along rectangles of fabric.  Super easy.  I had re-upholstered a couch I inherited from my grandmother and sewn a slipcover for the matching love seat.  It’s not out of the realm of my abilities.  But I did those projects many years ago when I had a lot more time and energy.  I was a little worried that if it was too difficult I would never get the slipcovers done and these chairs would be unusable.

They came.  I liked them a lot!  But the thought of figuring out how much fabric I needed to buy kept me from doing much.  I pulled out an old sheet and started working on a slipcover pattern – trying out how I wanted to fit things together, etc.  But I started thinking that I was putting too much effort on a pattern and I needed to just start working with the actual fabric.

Then I decided to go to Utah for my niece’s baptism, and my mother told me about this upholstery fabric store that was going out of business.  My sister and I discovered that everything in the store was $3 a yard.  Terrific prices!  I decided that I couldn’t go wrong with that price and that I was bound to find something that would work.  I was in luck!  For around $50 I had enough fabric for my two chairs.

The next weekend my parents were in town so I called on my mom’s expert knowledge of laying out patterns to help me figure my cutting plan. She helped me figure out how to lay out the rectangles of fabric that would make up my pieces so that the pattern was centered and I could use my fabric most economically. I’m so glad she helped! And then I started pinning and tracing and slowly putting my pattern pieces together. I’m still not finished but I’m getting close. Anyway, here are some pictures of the process so far …

Cutting out the fronts of the arms

fitting the back

front of arms attached to sides – still not attached to the back

Did I mention I have to make two of these? And then cover the back and seat cushions?? I have actually finished one chair cover now and am almost done with the second … and I have ordered and now have the zippers for the cushions. Maybe I’ll finish it all up over spring break. Watch here for updates!

16. March 2016 by tjsjohanna
Categories: Home Improvement | Tags: , , , , | 2 comments

Tender Mercies

In Psalm 145:9 we read: “The Lord is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works.”  I have had many experiences with the Lord’s tender mercies in my life but one that has been so apparent this past few months has been the calling to teach seminary every school morning (seminary is an early-morning scripture study class for the youth in my church).  We have been studying the Old Testament this year.

Here are some of the personal blessings I have enjoyed:

  • I find it very easy to be hermit-like.  Last year I would often drive Haley to school in my pjs and then spend my day at home doing very little and seeing no one.  The Lord knows this about me and knew that while last year I might have needed this alone time to process the huge change in my life, so much time alone is not generally good for me. This year I have to get up every morning and get dressed (in a skirt even!) and leave my house.  Most days I go on to work after seminary where I am around other people and have valuable social interactions that keep me from slipping into depression. 
  • Having Andrew in a residential treatment center is not an inexpensive prospect – going to work more often has blessed me financially to be able to manage the expense.  While I could have worked more without teaching seminary, I know that motivating myself to do so would be much more difficult without seminary (see first blessing).
  • I teach my daughter’s class and that has been wonderful.  As we have talked about how the class went each day, I have been able to have great conversations about faith and making tough choices with her.  It has brought us closer together and has given me opportunities to give comfort and counsel that she might not have asked for otherwise.
  • The class I teach is small – ten freshmen who are having their first experience with seminary. I have loved getting to know each student and find comfort in knowing that one of Haley’s peer groups is such an excellent one with kids who are all trying to come to know God better and follow Him.
  • Although I have had periods where I have spent a lot of time in the scriptures, I have also had times when I haven’t. The Lord knew that I would continue to need the strength and inspiration that comes from studying the words of the prophets.  Having to prepare daily lessons has been both very challenging and so rewarding.  I have gained a greater love for my Savior, Jesus Christ, and for the commandments that can bring peace to my life as I live them. There is something about teaching others that always helps me to understand my beliefs more clearly and also strengthens my testimony.
  • Irrational or not, having a spouse die has made me feel at times like I’ve done something wrong to have such a hard thing happen.  Being given such a trust to teach seminary has helped me to know that Heavenly Father loves me and I’m still valuable to Him.  At a time when I don’t have the blessing of a spouse who can give me positive feedback when I’m feeling down, having that comfort from Heavenly Father is especially cherished.

Truly the Lord is good. 

28. February 2016 by tjsjohanna
Categories: Blog | Tags: , , | 2 comments

Writing and Thinking

I wrote this post in my head two nights ago when I couldn’t sleep. I have a ton of empathy for sufferers of insomnia.  That feeling of laying in bed, trying to doze off, and there’s just no sleep coming … it is bearable for one night but as a chronic thing I’m not sure I wouldn’t slowly go crazy.

So, I’ve always thought of myself as an amateur writer.  I was a faithful journal writer all through high school and college – I say journal writer, but I wrote essays and more essays and letters and more letters and even poetry.  The written word is comfortable to me – it’s where I work out what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling and what I believe and why.  It’s how I communicate with others and with myself when I want to be precise and thoughtful.  So the last few months have left me feeling bewildered.  Suddenly there are no words … everything I think seems either too big to put in words, or too repetitive.  I have a book that I use to write to Tom and I feel like it is filled with the words “I miss you” a hundred million times – and nothing else.  That is an exaggeration, sort of, but if you take away all the fancy sentences and words, basically that is what I’m saying.  I’m sure if he is reading it he is bored, bored, bored!! He’s probably thinking, “come on – can’t you think of anything else to share with me besides that? How about BYU football or politics, for heavens’ sake??”  Anyway, when it comes to blogging, I have felt like there just wasn’t anything I wanted to write.  How not like me!

The truth is, I really don’t know how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking these days.  This book I’m reading, 52 Small changes for the Mind, suggests that I should be a goal setter.  A lesson we had in church a few weeks included a few questions like, “where do I want to be in 1 year, in 5 years? what do I want to learn that will help me to serve others better?”  I’m struggling with these things.  I don’t know where I want to be in the future.  I’ve made it a habit to avoid thinking about the future, which is a great coping skill when the future is full of the pain of not sharing it with Tom.  But really, can a person live the rest of their life without dreams or aspirations or goals (which all necessitate looking to the future)?  Obviously the answer is no.  The problem is that thinking about the future is a little like being asked to plunge my burned hands into really hot water.  The burns might be healing, but the fear of the pain that might still be there has me reluctant to try.  It’s much safer just sitting here in the present pretending that the future isn’t really there.

And yet the future just keeps jumping out and grabbing me.  I have a married child.  I am a mother-in-law.  That’s the future if ever there was a future.  This was the future that Tom and I looked forward to.  But we never imagined we’d be experiencing it separately.  However much I’d like to believe that my life is not changed, that Tom’s absence is a temporary thing, the truth is that it’s a whole new life I’m living whether I like it or not, whether I’m planning for it or not.

Speaking of being married – my oldest son is married!  It is crazy to think about.  How did that cute little toddler turn into a man with a wife??   I’m sure I don’t know.  Here’s some pictures of the lovely couple …

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Jason Hemsoth Photography, LLC: Reception &emdash; Kayla-Spencer-3949

Jason Hemsoth Photography, LLC: Family &emdash; Kayla-Spencer-3670

We celebrated the happy occasion at THREE different venues (this is what happens when your families are spread out across the country!) in Utah, Colorado, and Indiana.  I hope Kayla’s family felt welcome among all Spencer’s family in Utah – we certainly felt welcomed in Indiana.  Hopefully we can find ways to get together again and have the chance to get to know each other better.  There were lots of friends and family who helped make the parties as successful as they were – Thanks So Much to all of you!!

Just when I thought we could settle back into everyday life, I got the news that Tom’s mom had passed away.  She was 92 years old and had been bedridden since Tom passed away.  Although she was ready to go, it was still hard.  We will miss her cheerful smile and loving care for us all.  The funeral was really wonderful – I was overcome seeing all her grandchildren – most adults now – stand to sing.  The group was huge and it really brought home the legacy she has left behind.

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I guess this is the way of the world – we need a baby birth now to round out the “circle of life”!  Anyway, that’s what’s been going on in the Wood Family.  I’ll try not to let writer’s block get the better of me in the weeks and months to come…

09. February 2016 by tjsjohanna
Categories: Blog, Family | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

A Little Update

I haven’t written in awhile.  It’s not that things haven’t been going on, because they have.  My oldest child is getting married in a few short weeks.  Everyone keeps asking how the reception plans are going and if they can help.  Since the event is happening in Utah, my mom and my sister are handling most of it so I can’t even say I’m stressed about it.  But I am, sort of.  I don’t know how to have a married child.  And I don’t even have a spouse to share it with.  That’s sort of a lonely thing.  And I’m trying not to think about how this will all feel on the actual day when Tom isn’t there and once again reality hits me upside the head.  And there’s an open house in Denver that eventually I will have to make some concrete plans about.  Or maybe people will just show up and I will have packages of cookies out and water cups!!   Not really…

Apart from the wedding party plans, my middle child has been gone from my house for almost two months now.  Again, I get questions about how he is doing and how I am doing.  There aren’t satisfying answers to give.  I get weekly reports, but I have no real idea how he is doing, and apart from being glad that he is safe and being cared for, I don’t feel much emotional investment in his progress.  I spent eleven years trying everything I knew to help him.  It feels good to let someone else do that for awhile.  So the answer to how I’m doing is probably a little surprising to people.  I’m doing fine, good, really great.  I’m getting to really know my daughter in ways that I couldn’t do when Andrew was sucking all the attention and life out of me.  I can actually think a little about who I am and what I actually like to do after so many years of not having the time or energy to do either. Andrew is a problem that I don’t have to deal with for the next year or so and I figure when he is closer to coming home, that will be soon enough to start up with the emotional investment again.

As for what I spend my days thinking about … Well I still spend a lot of time thinking about Tom’s death and my life as a widow and what I want from the future and stuff like that.  It’s mostly boring stuff that feels so private.  Who would be interested or could even relate?  There are these long silences in my house where I think I should be talking to Haley but really I can’t tell her what’s going through my mind.  And I have to work hard at shutting off that part of my mind and focusing on her.  So far my second year I feel less shocked.  I don’t have these overwhelming waves of grief, although I do still get surprised by sneak attacks.  I still hate having to do things that Tom used to take care of (like cooking and putting air in the tires and taking care of the yard).  I still miss those weekend dates where we got away from the kids for a couple of hours and remembered why we liked each other in the first place.  I still have a great group of friends who invite me to lunch and text me and check in with me often – truly they are amazing.  I guess a part of me still feels like I’m just waiting – for what I’m not sure.  For Tom to suddenly show up and say I grieved really well and now he can come home? For inspiration to hit as I suddenly discover a buried dream that requires a move and a new career? For someone new to come into my life and make me fall in love with him? I really have no clue.  Part of me reminds me that trusting in God has worked really well so far and I should just keep focusing on the day to day and not worry about what is coming.  And the other part just wants to have that illusion of feeling in control. Maybe I just need to be busier so I have less time to think!!

Anyway, that’s how things have been going.  I’m pretty sure there will be no Christmas cards this year – maybe I’ll send out happy new year notes!  But underneath the worries and stress there is always that peace that has been with me since Tom died – that knowledge that Christ died and then resurrected and because of that, one day I’ll see Tom again.  Now more than ever that makes me so grateful for the birth of our Savior and Redeemer.  I hope all who are reading this will feel the joy of this Christmas season in your lives and a greater determination to follow in His footsteps.  Merry Christmas!

07. December 2015 by tjsjohanna
Categories: Uncategorized | 1 comment

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