Things I Didn’t “Get” Before

One thing I didn’t really understand before Tom died is how praying for someone else matters.  I did it, but mostly on faith because it didn’t really make sense.  I believe we don’t pray to change God’s mind – we pray to become reconciled to God’s will.  So I didn’t really understand how praying for others fit into that.  But I have learned some things about prayer.  First – there is power in it.  I have felt the support and love of those around me in very real ways and I know that we are being prayed for daily.  I might not understand how it works, but I’m feeling the benefits of it.  Second – I know when I pray for others, I simply ask that God will bless, comfort, and care for them.  I don’t try to dictate how He will act in their lives, only that I care that He does.  I already know that God loves each one of us as His precious child.  So I’m not asking Him to do anything He wouldn’t already be doing. I’m simply adding my love and care to His.  I don’t pretend to understand a whole lot more than I did before – but I’m grateful that I understand this better now and I feel like my prayers for others matter in ways that I didn’t understand before.

Another thing I didn’t “get” was the adage to “live one day at a time” (or hour or minute).  When I read/heard those words I pictured trying to cope with something so overwhelming that one just focused on basic living.  But I have been finding myself living one day at a time and it is so different from what I thought it was.  Losing Tom has changed the whole landscape of my future.  Where there were once landmarks out there, now there is a lot of unknown territory.  I don’t know what my life will be like when my kids are all out of the house.  I don’t know where I will end up living or what I’ll be doing …  Thinking about the future is kind of terrifying right now.  But I have learned to just let it sit out there without thinking much about it.  I don’t have to plan it all out.  I don’t even have to have big hopes and dreams for that unknown future.  Really all I have to do is focus on today and this week and the next few months.  There is plenty to do and think about and in which to find joy. I don’t have to scare myself with thoughts of “40 years of loneliness”.  Right now things are o.k.  We all miss Tom and there are days when I can’t really believe that life has moved forward and he isn’t part of it anymore.  But it has and we are managing and we are finding things to laugh at and enjoy.  We will always wish that he were still here.  Life feels different without his brand of humor and his passions.  But I’m finding that day to day I can do this.  I can trust in God’s love for me and that my life can be happy, even if I have no idea what it will be like ten years from now. I’m not just hanging on by my fingernails and there is more to my life than just the basics of living – and that feels good.