Charity

Awhile back someone posted on Facebook that they really disliked getting birthday greetings because they felt that some of their “friends” only did it because Facebook reminded them and thus it was fake.  And all around me I see people who feel that they are alone because no one really understands their circumstances.

I was reminded of a quote that Tom used in one of his Sunday School lessons, from Marvin J. Ashton.

“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other.  None of us need one more person bashing or pointing out where we have failed or fallen short. Most of us are already well aware of the areas in which we are weak. What each of us does need is family, friends, employers, and brothers and sisters who support us, who have the patience to teach us, who believe in us, and who believe we’re trying to do the best we can, in spite of our weaknesses. What ever happened to giving each other the benefit of the doubt? What ever happened to hoping that another person would succeed or achieve? What ever happened to rooting for each other?”

I’m a Facebook birthday wishes sender – I send them to people that I’m not particularly close to.  But I do have good feelings towards them and I’m happy to be a tiny part of what makes the day a good one.  By virtue of being the mother of a child with serious emotional issues, I’m not like a lot of my friends – my parenting experiences are difficult and relentless and atypical.  Now I’m a widow too – coping with loss and loneliness.  It would be easy to alienate myself from others – “you don’t know what difficult parenting is” to the young mother dealing with the “terrible twos” or “you don’t know what being a widow really is” to the woman who complains that she is a “football widow” (and I was one of those too, so I know the difference).  But the fact is, the things that are difficult for each of us can’t really be compared on some cosmic scale of who has it better or worse.  When you are dealing with something that is hard for you, it’s hard, even if it doesn’t look that hard compared to someone else.  When I was competing with football games for the attention of my husband, that loneliness and strain on the relationship was real.  Having Tom die doesn’t make those feelings less valid, even though the scale of loneliness has increased exponentially.  I don’t look back and think, “that was no big deal – I should have been grateful to have him in the house”.

I guess what I’m trying to say, is that we should be looking for things to unite us, not separate us.  We should be empathetic with others, remembering our own experiences and what we have learned along the way.  We should be grateful for all the ways in which others reach out to us, instead of picking and choosing which ones we feel are “real” and which ones aren’t.  My family has been carried by all the small acts of kindness – including the facebook messages and little texts from people I don’t know well but who have nevertheless thought kindly of us. Sure, there are “toxic” people out there that we may need to have boundaries with – but by and large most people are just trying to do the best they can where they are at.  And when difficult times come, the broader our net of acquaintances as well as close friends, the better we find that we are supported and loved – even if not everyone really understands our exact experiences.

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      Thanks for sharing your thoughts Johanna. I always love reading your blog. I think I alienate myself from others. “They don’t know what it’s like to be single at 36, what do they know!” I need to be more humble about my situation. I am pretty sure my pride is causing me to feel lonelier than necessary.

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