Maybe Just a Little Angry …

I’m not feeling strong or brave or submissive.  We got through the first major holiday without Tom and honestly, there was so much going on and Thanksgiving is always more about the whole group than about our little family so it wasn’t bad.  What was hard was being the single one in the midst of all the couples and being solely responsible for Andrew who is definitely doing a bit of regression as a result of the anxiety or stress or something (because I’m not sure exactly what he has been feeling since he doesn’t “do” emotions).  I didn’t want to be alone and dealing with everything by myself.  I really haven’t been angry but honestly that is kind of what I’m feeling right now.  Not angry at anyone but just angry that I’m in this situation.  I liked being married.  I liked having a companion.  Tom made me laugh which I needed because my sense of humor is shy and retiring.  Tom took over when I couldn’t handle another second of managing Andrew.  Tom was there when I just needed a hug from someone who really understood.  Now I just have to “suck it up” and muddle through on my own.

I find myself still disbelieving that he could be gone so young and so suddenly.  As I drove into town yesterday there was a small part of me that imagined that just maybe he would be waiting for us at home.  I knew it wasn’t going to happen (and the pragmatic part of me chimed in that I would be seriously freaked out if there were signs that someone was in the house) but I just wished so much that it could be true.  That somehow all of this could be just some elaborate nightmare that I could wake up from.

I think Christmas will be harder.  Tom and I did things for each other for Christmas – we filled stockings with silly things that we knew the other would enjoy.  We bought things for each other that we wouldn’t buy for ourselves.  I find myself having a little pity party – “who is going to buy me frivolous stuff now?  Who is going to make sure I feel special?”  I know that there are people all around me that love me and care about me.  But it isn’t the same.  Spouses are closer than parents or siblings or children.  Spouses know you in ways no one else does. Now the person who knows me that way isn’t around in any way that I can really feel. And that makes me feel a bit despondent, to be honest.  Three months seems like hardly any time at all, but it’s cold now and he missed it.  BYU football is almost over, and he didn’t watch it this year.  Things are happening and I can’t talk about them with him.  Things happen that I know he would find amusing, but we can’t laugh together about them anymore.

I’ve said goodbye many times throughout my life – my childhood was one long goodbye to my friends, to family, to my dad.  My memories are scattered across the country and the people that I have shared my life with are just as scattered.  I told myself we’d stay close – we’d write or call and we’d see each other again.  I never let myself get too attached (except maybe my dad and my family) so that it wouldn’t be so hard to leave.  I believe that this separation from Tom is temporary but all those goodbyes really haven’t prepared me for this.  I might have started out our marriage holding myself back – keeping myself safe from pain.  But I learned to trust Tom and open myself up to him and while I wouldn’t trade the closeness we shared, it makes saying goodbye so much harder.