Sunday morning as we were singing the sacrament hymn (the sacrament is another word for communion) this phrase in the song stood out to me: “for courage to accept thy will”. The word courage seems to describe perfectly my feelings. It is hard and sometimes scary to be living this new life. I never thought it was possible to live a life that feels so paradoxical. On one hand we are moving forward, going to school and work, shopping, going to after school activities, attending church. On the other hand almost every part of my life reminds me of my best friend and the fact that he is gone. I feel simultaneously normal and profoundly lonely. There’s no other adult in my family to talk to, commiserate with, hang out with, and feel loved and cared for by. I’ve always considered myself pretty independent but I can’t overstate the emotional interdependence I have felt with Tom and the great loss I feel now that he is not here.
In all this I find myself thinking often of accepting God’s will, of being submissive to the turn my life has taken, of focusing on the positives and the blessings. It does take courage. The responsibility for my kids lies squarely on my shoulders. The care of our home is all up to me. Financial decisions are ultimately mine to make and live with. But most importantly, it takes courage for me to trust that God is aware and is watching over me and that despite the fact that this seems so unfair and wrong, He can see the big picture and knows that the sorrow I feel now will be over shadowed by the joy to come.