Sunday morning as we were singing the sacrament hymn (the sacrament is another word for communion) this phrase in the song stood out to me: “for courage to accept thy will”. The word courage seems to describe perfectly my feelings. It is hard and sometimes scary to be living this new life. I never thought it was possible to live a life that feels so paradoxical. On one hand we are moving forward, going to school and work, shopping, going to after school activities, attending church. On the other hand almost every part of my life reminds me of my best friend and the fact that he is gone. I feel simultaneously normal and profoundly lonely. There’s no other adult in my family to talk to, commiserate with, hang out with, and feel loved and cared for by. I’ve always considered myself pretty independent but I can’t overstate the emotional interdependence I have felt with Tom and the great loss I feel now that he is not here.
In all this I find myself thinking often of accepting God’s will, of being submissive to the turn my life has taken, of focusing on the positives and the blessings. It does take courage. The responsibility for my kids lies squarely on my shoulders. The care of our home is all up to me. Financial decisions are ultimately mine to make and live with. But most importantly, it takes courage for me to trust that God is aware and is watching over me and that despite the fact that this seems so unfair and wrong, He can see the big picture and knows that the sorrow I feel now will be over shadowed by the joy to come.

12. November 2014 by tjsjohanna
Categories: Blog | Tags: | 4 comments

Comments (4)

  1. Moving forward does take courage. Just being reminded by little things sometimes is enough to feel that courage ebb away. I love you for the strength you have to keep moving forward and there will be “joy in the morning”.

  2. You are so inspiring to me Johanna and I love you. It’s not always easy to accept the will of our Father in Heaven but just like you said there is a big picture to aim at. I know Tom is looking after you too. Keep strong and we are here for you.

  3. You are an inspiration Aunt Johanna! Thank you for sharing your feelings and testimony. Heavenly Father is aware of you and has a plan for you. I am praying the Spirit is always close and that you receive the peace and comfort you are praying for. Love you!

  4. Johanna,
    Thank you for sharing such honest feelings with us all. I can’t imagine how you feel, but I feel like I have a glimmer of understanding through your blog posts. I’m so sorry for your loss, but I’m impressed with your determination to do what needs to be done and move forward. I know it’s much too soon to suggest this, but I feel like you could write a book about how to handle/endure such a difficult loss as death of a spouse. I’m so grateful you’re my friend!

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