Being Seen

Here’s something that I miss since Tom has been gone … There’s no one that knows me and who sees me in that uniquely intimate way that spouses have.  When I get dressed up, there’s no one to say, “wow, you look great today!” or if I’ve done something around the house, he’s not there to say, “great job on the slip covers”.  There’s no one to notice when I fix something or do something hard or that I’m having a low day.  It’s weird and makes me feel solitary in a way that has nothing to do with having friends or family around.  It’s one of the perks of being married that I enjoyed – both the being seen and the seeing.  I know there were days when my encouragement and appreciation made Tom feel like what he did mattered even when he had had a bad day.  I have a lot more admiration for my single friends now – I didn’t realize how much that connection meant to me until I’ve had to do without it.  

I also miss being able to check in with him – “was that mean? Am I being unreasonable? Is my understanding of this realistic?” Now I just have to figure it out in my own because he’s not around to give me a reality check! I find myself trying to rely on God more – taking my concerns to Him, trying to listen more to impressions.  It’s been a positive development in this new life I’m living, though I feel chagrined that I didn’t do it more when Tom was alive.  It does remind me a little of my experience as missionary.  Because I left a lot of my personal concerns and preferences behind for 18 months, I was more connected to Heavenly Father.  Now that I’m not investing all that emotional energy in my relationship with my spouse, there’s room to put more into my relationship with God.  I wouldn’t have chosen this, but I trust that He knows how this whole experience can be put to my best benefit if I can just stay open and teachable.  It’s not easy though.  Some days I just want to be a spoiled child and throw a tantrum about the fact that I have to keep living this life without my best friend!!