A head full of thoughts
You know how Hermione in the Harry Potter books always has her hand up in class? I used to be a little like that when I was younger. I’m pretty sure my high school English teacher found me very irritating because I ALWAYS had something to say. It took a lot of growing up before I realized that I didn’t need to share everything I thought all the time.
Now I’m much more likely to keep my opinions to myself. Too many people are quick to be hurt and I’m not interested in saying my peace at the expense of someone else (at least mostly). I still have lots of opinions – I just keep most of them inside. Before Tom died it wasn’t such a big deal. I didn’t have to really keep them inside. I could share them with him because that was as good as keeping them inside. I could tell him anything and he still loved me, even if he thought my ideas were weird or wrong. And he kept my confidences completely. I still really admire that about him – he was completely loyal to me, even resisting the many opportunities to get a laugh at my expense.
Now, though, I don’t always know what to do with all these thoughts banging around in my head. I find myself sorting through my friends – could I share this with her? What would he think of this? It’s a lot of energy to self censor in this way. It’s probably a good thing, though. The world would be a kinder place if we thought more about what we said before we said it. And we wouldn’t have those awful moments when we realized that what we just said came out ALL WRONG!