Waves of grief …

We are at six and a half months and I find myself in another wave of grief.  It’s a dichotomy, grieving, at least for me.  On the one hand, I want to cope as well as I can with my altered circumstances.  On the other hand, if I’m coping too well, then I start to worry – “why aren’t I feeling more sad?”  I’m really good at thinking about things but not dwelling on them.  This works quite well at keeping deep emotions at bay.  I can talk about Tom and reminisce and see his things and mostly be o.k.

But I’ve discovered that coping with other emotionally charged situations has brought those deep feelings of loss back to the forefront.  Andrew is struggling right now – I’ve never quite been able to figure out what exactly it is about spring, but this time of the year seems to bring out some of his worst behaviors.  Consequently I am struggling to maintain boundaries, to help cajole him out of his near constant irritation, to help him remember rules and consequences.  It is exhausting and frankly almost impossible for one person to do – Tom and I together found ourselves pushed to the limits of what we could do.  So my emotions are high, and suddenly everything reminds me of my best friend and the fact that he is NOT HERE.  And it sucks!

I’m trying to just let it be – cry when the notion takes me, sleep when I’m tired instead of pushing to get “one more thing done”, and let myself grieve.  There’s a secret comfort to it – I am still missing my sweetheart and there is still a big hole in my life where he used to be.  I just wish he could be magically transported back.