Parenting Stinks Sometimes

We always talk about not comparing ourselves to others, but the truth is, it is difficult not to.  And there are all these handy articles and checklists on how to do just about anything the “right way” (never mind that there are a hundred different “right ways”).  By most standards I’m a pretty ineffective mother.  I’ve got a kid who steals and lies and despite all my efforts to help him learn to do differently, he continues to choose this way of dealing with the world. I must be doing something wrong, right?  I mean, all those checklists tell you that if you just follow the plan, you’ll have a “new teen by Friday”.

Here’s the thing, though – good parenting (and really, good anything) is more about the process and less about the outcome.  You can’t control the outcome, but you can control the process.  When I’m being a bad parent, I know it because I’m losing my temper and letting things slide and I’m not being the kind of person I want to be.  When I’m being a good parent, I’m patient and loving even when I’m insisting  on a consequence and I’m trying to be respectful of my child even though I feel furious.  I’m following the guidelines for good parenting even though it feels like a waste of time.  No where in there does the behavior of my child really reflect how I’m doing as a mom.

The hard part about this is that I can feel the eyes and judgments on me.  I’m sure most moms can relate.  Anyone who has ever had a child throw a tantrum on the grocery store floor knows what those eyes feel like!  It’s hard to hold on to what you know about yourself in the face of the “evidence”.  But it has been a blessing to realize that there are probably lots of parents like me – ones who are doing (almost) everything right but are dealing with children who struggle.  It has made me more compassionate, less likely to judge, more likely to offer help instead of advice, more likely to listen.

Two things I like to remind myself:  One – the perfect parent, God, lost a third of His children to Satan before we ever came to the earth (Rev. 12:4, D&C 29:36).  Two – people become parents pretty early on in their lifetimes, when their life experiences are fewer – yet that is exactly what God planned, so it must be ok that we mess up – our kids will still be ok long term as long as we are doing our best.

But I still hate thinking that the people at school think it’s my fault!